


Nothing but Time

by zombiegardener



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 11:08:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8141635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombiegardener/pseuds/zombiegardener
Summary: Ty tries to readjust after coming home. Spoilers through Touch & Geaux. Takes place in my imagination and thus is absolutely not compliant with Ball & Chain. I'm good with this.





	

Ty slumped on the couch in the darkened room, absently swirling a snow globe in one hand. His eyes swept the walls relentlessly, tracing over the familiar outline of his living room. He could hear the faint sounds of late night traffic filtering in from the street outside and the hum of the heater kicking on. He was almost painfully hyperaware of his lover sleeping in their bed upstairs. It was in a way a routine that he was becoming intimately familiar with, this hyper-vigilance. It was the only way he’d found to force the past into the shadows where it belonged.

It wasn’t easy. During the day routines and distractions kept his mind focused, but in the quiet hours late at night he was finding it harder and harder to keep the demons at bay. There were no true flashbacks, nothing so all encompassing. It was worse than that, in a way. It was the inability to let go, to live life in the _now_ that he’d always prided himself on. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to shake it off. So he sat up every night, staring at the walls. He knew the lack of sleep was starting to wear on him, but he honestly didn’t know what to do. He’d been through it all before, but this time was different somehow. Harder.

He shoved the encroaching memories away again, closing his eyes and drawing on the anger that never seemed to recede. Anger at himself, at the Corp, at the Universe in general. It was ridiculous, really. All he’d wanted for years was to be a good Marine. He’d wanted that life back with an intensity that was agonizing. And when he _finally_ let it go and found something else to live for, he was yanked right back into the darkness with no say in the matter, and he was terrified that he was going to lose everything because of it. 

He was trying, he really was. He attended the mandatory PTSD counseling sessions like clockwork. He gave the correct responses and did all the right things. He was a model patient, which he admitted was probably suspicious in and of itself and the reason the counseling was still mandatory. He was pretty sure if he heard the words “just talk it out; it’ll help” one more time he’d be driven to violence. The only person to avoid those words thus far was Zane, and maybe that worried him most of all. 

Zane cared; Ty knew that. He’d been so patient. So strong. Ty didn’t know what had happened while he’d been away, but the Zane he’d come home to was everything he’d always known he would be. It made him feel unworthy in the face of all he’d done. Sometimes he thought he should push things, hasten the end that part of him thought had to be coming, but he was too much of a coward to do it. So here he was, sitting alone in the dark, ridiculously afraid to go back upstairs to bed. Praying that his past would just slip through his fingers and disappear, leaving him in peace.

A sound on the stairs behind him made him tense, one hand instinctively jerking towards a knife sheaf that wasn’t there. Letting out a frustrated huff of air, he purposefully loosened his clenched fingers and returned the sparkling snow to its gentle swirling. He slumped further into the cushions, trying to hide from his lover’s scrutiny. He was just so _tired_ of it all. The tension between them was getting worse every day, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe Zane didn’t either, because the footsteps came to a step before they hit the creaky bottom step. Ty bit his lip and silently cursed at himself before giving the globe a half-hearted flick. “I was trying to let you sleep.”

The wariness must have bled through into his voice, because Zane hesitated before replying. “I’m still used to the house being quiet. Hearing anyone moving around down here startles me awake.” The reply didn’t have any malice to it, but Ty cut his eyes back towards the kitchen in suspicion. He’d been down here on the couch for at least an hour. That meant Zane had woken and lain there alone for a long time, unsure of whether or not he should intrude. That was understandable, even if it did kind of hurt. He’d lost count of the number of times in the last few weeks he’d woken in Zane’s arms in a complete panic, feeling restrained and helpless. He was afraid he’d hurt Zane without meaning to, so he compensated by pushing him away. It was a vicious cycle. He’d probably give his assigned shrink a field day if he ever brought it up. Maybe he should at the next session. It’d be a useful distraction from questions he had no intention of really answering, if nothing else.

The bottom step creaked as Zane stepped down into the kitchen, but he didn’t come any closer. Ty knew that Zane was probably watching him sitting all alone in the dark. Playing with a snow globe. 

The faint light from the street lamps outside the window caught the snow in a series of swirling sparkles, faintly illuminating the tiger crouching in the snow. It had been a Christmas present from Sadie. Ty wasn’t sure whether the thought that Zane’s niece associated him with tigers so firmly that she “pitched a total fit and had to buy it for Uncle Ty _now_ ”- Annie’s exact words according to the letter that came with the package- made him want to laugh or cry.

“They took her out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant.”

Ty blinked at the non sequitur and glanced back towards the kitchen. “What?”

Zane finally pushed away from the steps and walked over behind the couch, reaching out to tap the globe with one finger. “Sadie. They had a Chinese Zodiac calendar on the table. They started figuring out what animals people were to distract her. You’re a tiger.”

“I know.” Ty glanced up at him with a smile that felt tight. “Did she figure out that we’re completely incompatible?” He’d meant to keep his tone light and winced at the touch of desperation evident in his voice.

Zane snorted and moved around to drop down on the couch next to him, close but not quite touching. “Don’t know. I was afraid to ask. I don’t know how much Annie and Mark have explained to her.”

“Mmm.” Ty glanced at the globe again, fighting down the unease. A year ago Zane wouldn’t have maintained the careful distance between them. He gave the snow one final twirl before setting it back on the table. “What did she get you? A snake?”

“A little toy horse.” Ty snorted before he could stop himself at the image of his tough guy partner with a tiny toy horse in his hand. Zane huffed out a breath and crossed his arms over his chest. Ty couldn’t see his face clearly, but he could feel the eye roll aimed at him. “She’s six. Give her a break.”

He reached over and patted Zane’s knee in a mock conciliatory gesture, then hesitantly left his hand there. “I’m sorry I missed Christmas.”

Zane watched him intently for a long moment before twining their fingers together and leaning slightly closer, still not quite touching. “Me too.” They were both quiet for a few minutes before he spoke again. “I’ve heard it’s coming back next year, though.”

“True.”

This was new, too, and just as unsettling. The space between them felt heavy with too many things left unsaid, too much uncertainty, too many months of loneliness that neither one of them knew how to put to rest. Saying words that meant nothing to fill the silence. He’d give anything to know what he could do to fix them. 

“Have you talked to your brother?”

The quiet question took Ty by surprise, and he glanced sideways at Zane’s profile. His jaw was clenched and he looked a bit edgy. It was a look Ty recognized. He’d made a decision and was going to see it through to the bitter end. 

Ty could feel the familiar anger building and tensed, jerking his hand back and crossing his arms protectively over his chest. Despite what everyone thought, not talking about it wasn’t his problem anyway, not really. Sometimes he could feel the words building, trying to escape, and he was afraid if he started talking he wouldn’t be able to stop. The words would just keep coming, and the things that might come out- and Zane’s reaction to them- terrified him. 

“Ty.”

Ty bit his lip and ground out an answer, since he knew that Zane wouldn’t let up once he’d made up his mind. There wasn’t any reason to postpone the inevitable. “No. Why?”

“Because you’re not talking to me, and it’s been weeks. You need to talk to someone. Look at you. You’re not even twitching, damn it!” Ty started as he realized Zane was right. He’d been sitting perfectly still in the dark for at least an hour, with none of his usual nonstop fidgeting.

“I just…” He bit off the words and forced himself to take a deep breath against the frustration clenching his chest, but the tension didn’t ease. “What am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know, baby. But you need to talk to somebody. You can’t hold everything in forever.”

“It’s only been a month!” The words came out as a shout as Ty propelled himself off the couch, hands clenched into fists by his side. He was breathing as fast as if he’d just sprinted a mile and tensed himself to strike back if Zane jumped him first.

Zane didn’t even flinch. He just continued to watch him calmly, only the muscle jumping in his jaw giving away his own tension. Ty waited silently, the combination of the hot rush of anger and the cold ache building in his chest almost making him sick. 

“I know.” The words were so soft Ty had to strain to hear them. “I just can’t stand to see you tearing yourself apart like this when I don’t know what I can do to help you.”

Zane looked so miserable sitting there that the anger deserted Ty in a rush, leaving him even more tired and frustrated than he’d been an hour ago. He dropped back down on the couch and rubbed his hands over his face.

“I’m so sorry, Zane.”

Zane was already shaking his head in denial, so Ty talked fast, anxious to get at least these words out before he lost them. “For this. For us.” He gestured at the space between them as if it were a solid thing, his voice breaking and tears of frustration pricking his eyes. “I don’t know how to make things go back to the way they were before.”

“Ty…” There was such a wealth of sadness in that one word that it nearly broke his heart. “That isn’t going to happen. We can’t go back to what we were.” Zane’s voice changed, still quiet but with a note of some other emotion that Ty couldn’t identify below the surface. He felt himself drawing back again to avoid the blow he thought might be coming, one he’d been waiting for since he’d come home. 

“Baby, look at me.”

Ty looked up slowly, afraid of what he’d see in his lover’s eyes, but Zane was still watching him steadily. He reached out and brushed his hand across Ty’s cheek, letting his fingers linger, and Ty had to stop himself from leaning in to the touch like a cat. “There was too much between us, too many secrets. And we didn’t have nearly enough time to work things out.”

Ty looked back down at his hands and nodded, at a loss for what to say.

“Do you still love me?”

He glanced back up at the echo of his question from New Orleans. “Yes.” There was no doubt about that, at least.

“And I love you.” Zane caught his hand and kissed his knuckles, his eyes never leaving Ty’s face. “We can work it out. We can be stronger. It’s just gonna take time.”

Ty smiled crookedly at that, resisting the urge to rub at his chest to lessen the ache. “Haven’t we had this talk already?”

“Yes, but I want to make sure that you remember that what you have is worth fighting for.”

Ty kept his eyes on Zane’s, feeling the intensity ratchet up between them. “And what do I have, Zane?” 

“Me.” The answer was immediate, and Ty released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Your family. Friends. A job you love. Your _life_ , Ty.”

“I know.” Ty sighed and scooted closer, leaning into Zane’s warmth. “So all I have to do is… What, exactly?”

“I don’t know, baby. I don’t have the answers. That’s why I asked about Deuce.” He dropped a gentle kiss on the crown of Ty’s head and shifted to wrap his arms around him and pull him close. “All I can give you is time, but I’m here. You know that, right?”

Zane’s body tensed noticeably at the question, and Ty realized he was waiting for him to lash out and push away again. He drew in a pained breath and buried his face in Zane’s neck, holding him tightly and breathing in the scent he’d missed so much. He was so sick and tired of pretending, of trying to be strong. Of being a good Marine. Tonight he just wanted to be a man. Just Ty, whatever that meant, and there was another conversation they probably needed to have again. He wanted to cling to his lover and just let everything go. 

Zane stroked his back wordlessly, a solid anchor Ty could cling to in a maelstrom of emotions he couldn’t separate and memories he didn’t want. Ty wondered if Zane had any idea how much he needed him. Not just now, but always.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

The soft whisper surprised Ty, and he realized he was holding Zane in a death grip and forced himself to loosen his fingers before he left bruises. “Me either. Not again.”

“Good.” Zane’s whisper was almost lost as he buried his face against Ty’s neck, a slight trembling giving lie to the continued calm of his voice. Ty didn’t know how long they stayed like that before Zane pulled back and wiped his eyes. “Will you come back to bed? You need sleep.”

A twinge of panic shot through him at the thought of going upstairs and giving himself over to the dreams. Another problem for another day. “Can we stay down here a while?” 

“For as long as you need.”

Ty managed a shaky smile in response and leaned back into the curve of Zane’s arm. Maybe he was right. Maybe they would be okay. 

After all, they had nothing but time.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting this because I'm trying to jump start myself into finishing ongoing stories. It seems to be working.


End file.
